This is Why I Hate Surprises….

Any of you who read my post from yesterday will have realised that  I have teeny problem with thought separation inasmuch as I can’t stop the little buggers taking sides and beating the crap out of each other. One the one hand we have Captain Positive and his little band of perky cheerleaders and on the other Captain Doubt who is constantly throw a spanner in the works or, failing that, beating cheerleaders over the head with it.

Anyway,  I was promised a big surprise last week which led to an inevitable 3 day battle between the two Captains who have set up opposing camps somewhere in my cerebral spaghetti. The surprise giver was my best friend who is the kindest and most well intentioned person in the world. Unfortunately, he seems to think that I am far more well-adjusted than I actually am and dismissed all my pitiful whimperings about hating surprises as well as my increasingly hysterical demands to know what we would be doing, where we would be going, who with etc etc. All he would reveal was that we were going on his motorbike, it would be a new experience and I would have a great time……

Yesterday duly arrived and my friend arrived with his bike and a very large rucksack.

“So I’m carrying the rucksack then?” I was eyeing it suspiciously and it was glaring back.

I tried to pick it up with one hand and then put it back down.

“What the bloody hell have you got in here?????” I was convinced that it was full of rocks.

We argued for a while about the weight of the thing (I thought at least 30kg while he insisted no more than 10!)

“So how far is this place” I asked to try and smother the temptation to find a set of scales

“Just under 200km…… I’ll help you with the bag”

Panic 2My first thought was ‘just hand the bag back, say thank you very politely and go back indoors’ but then I thought ‘no! stop being such a wussy, your best friend has arranged a lovely surprise for you so suck it up’.

I handed over my sunglasses to be put in the rucksack (fortunately they don’t weight very much) and spotted two things which looked very much like cycling helmets or the helmets you wear to climb mountains…….or jump off bridges attached to giant elastic bands…….

Captains Positive and Doubt were barged out of the way by Sergeant Panic who was  screaming at the top of his lungs and banging frantically on the back of my eyeballs trying to get my attention. The Team Positive cheerleaders pushed him over, sat on him and jammed a pom pom in his mouth…..

I put my foot on the foot peg which is roughly the size of bourbon biscuit and hoisted myself up. The rucksack ensured that my first attempt failed and my second, although successful was anything but elegant.

“By the way [person he knows I don’t like] is coming with us…….” my friend said casually

Sergeant Panic had poked cheerleader 1 in the eye, spat out the pom pom and now had Captain Doubt by the lapels, was shaking him violently and demanding to know why he wasn’t doing anything…….

An hour into the journey and the good Captain and his Sergeant had stuffed all members of Team Positive into the broom cupboard and were sitting down with a number of distant cousins including Paranoia and Anxiety. There is not much to do on the back of a motorbike other than look at the view and listen to the voices in your head; as it was motorway for almost the whole damn journey it was standing room only for negative thoughts after….well, not very long at all really.

I swear I did my best. Captain Positive made a bid for freedom when I saw a sign for an Outdoor Activity Park but he was rugby tackled by Disappointment when I realised where we were actually going.

A race track. To watch a race. With thousands of other bikers.

This was not a new experience at all, there would be no adrenaline rush (which I was desperately praying for by this point as, in my experience, an adrenaline rush can kick the arse of pretty much any negative emotion) and I had worried myself sick for 3 days, for what? Captain Positive chose this moment to point out that that’s exactly why worrying is a waste of time but Corporal Anger kicked him in the crotch and he shut up.

Don’t get me wrong, I love motorbikes, I especially love watching my friends race as it’s exciting watching someone you know hurtle round a track at breakneck speeds but it’s something I’d done many times before. Why give me all this nervous anticipation for an Endurance Race I’d never heard of full of riders I didn’t know??

tantrumI’d like to say that I took all this in my stride, thanked my very kind friend and had a lovely day. I’d like to be able to say that but I can’t because it didn’t happen. Team negative seemed to have taken control of my facial muscles (forcing them into a frown) and my vocal cords (which they’d somehow manipulated so that all I was capable of was hhhmphhh).

Captain Positive, no doubt holed up somewhere with an ice pack on his balls, refused to take part in anything all day so it was party time for Team Negative. All I could focus on was the pain in my back (from the rucksack which would still be heavy on the return 200km journey), the guilt I felt for not appreciating the surprise day out, the unbearable, unrelenting noise, the heat and the masses and masses of people. I tried, I honestly did, not least because I was feeling bad about the way I was treating my best friend but the day just went from bad to worse….

Somehow Team Negative grabbed Granny Agoraphobia from the Sunnydale Retirement Home for Old Neuroses and I started to really panic. I tried to explain to my friend but he was justifiably pissed off with me, because I ‘d been a miserable git all day, and wasn’t really in an understanding mood. In the end, I was in floods of tears and insisted that we go home; I just couldn’t cope any longer. The day had been ruined, Team Negative had won and, as a result, I think I may have lost my best friend……




  36 comments for “This is Why I Hate Surprises….

  1. September 16, 2018 at 11:44 am

    I liked this a lot. Funny.

    Liked by 3 people

    • September 16, 2018 at 12:02 pm

      Thanks Mike :O) How’s things with you? x


      • September 16, 2018 at 12:04 pm

        Content. Means that I’m not writing loads but that means that I am not writing until I want to. Contentment?

        You? How are things in France?

        Liked by 1 person

      • September 16, 2018 at 12:08 pm

        That’s a good place to be :O)
        Yep pretty good thanks – still warm and sunny so can’t complain ;O) x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. September 16, 2018 at 12:02 pm

    If you just lost your best friend, then that might not be the bestest friend. Friends listen, friends empathize, friends understand, friends overlook & forgive. I hope your friend does that for you (((hugs)))

    Liked by 5 people

    • September 16, 2018 at 12:05 pm

      I hope you’re right Cynthia but I really did lose my shit yesterday, even I didn’t want to be with me in the end xx

      Liked by 2 people

      • September 16, 2018 at 12:10 pm

        You know what? That’s ok. It’s not like you voted for these 2 armies inside your head, making some days feel impossible. Hopefully, you guys will be all right

        Liked by 1 person

      • September 16, 2018 at 1:07 pm

        Thanks hon – keeping my fingers crossed :O) xx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. September 16, 2018 at 12:26 pm

    Oh my god, I’m sorry it was so horrible for you but your writing is hysterical. I would have done the same thing, and I agree with Cynthia.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. September 16, 2018 at 1:29 pm

    A 400km round trip, a heavy backpack, someone you don’t particularly like. Can’t see any problem Lisa!
    Very well written, and amusing, although I don’t suppose it was for you at the time.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. September 16, 2018 at 1:55 pm

    Too funny!! 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  6. September 16, 2018 at 2:00 pm

    It must be quite crowded there in your head. I say you give the two Captains dueling pistols and let them settle things like gentlemen…. by blowing each other’s heads off.
    Sorry the day turned out to be a disaster for you. And if your friend was any kind of friend to begin with, he should have known that surprise was a bad idea.

    Liked by 3 people

    • September 16, 2018 at 2:13 pm

      That’s actually not a bad idea although I’m not sure what I’d be left with…..common sense with any luck ;O) x

      Liked by 1 person

    • September 17, 2018 at 7:43 am

      I don’t seem to mind surprises as much… When they happen to you……… But whoever set this up messed up badly. Hopefully they realise this. I think I would prefer to be put in the stocks being clobbered with wet fish rather than your surprise..

      Liked by 1 person

      • September 17, 2018 at 9:50 am

        Hee hee :O) To be honest I don’t think that he does (I could be wrong) because, in his mind, he was doing something very kind for me. The intention was good and he is genuinely one of the nicest people I know, the only problem is that he didn’t listen to me when I said I don’t like surprises

        Liked by 1 person

  7. September 16, 2018 at 4:23 pm

    Real friends get to SEE all sides of us ( even the laying down on the ground kicking and screaming ones), the thing that makes them REAL, is that they come back. You allowed him all of his insensitivity and perhaps ignorance yesterday. You allowed his bloated head to think HE could change your mind about something you clearly dislike. I hope this becomes one of those, “you remember that time” stories. I’m sorry you had a bummer day, but so proud ( for lack of a better word) that you were able to put a positive or at least funny spin on it…. Better days this week!!!! MAYBE? just maybe, you plan a “wonderful” surprise for him, in return….you know the kind that you cook his least favorite food promising that he will LOVE it…. be sure to include his least favorite hobbies…whether you ever do it or not, hopefully the PLANNING will help ease the “pain”… I’m rooting for team, “You’ve got this!”

    Liked by 3 people

    • September 16, 2018 at 4:49 pm

      Do you know what, I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, what you’ve said here has put a totally different perspective on things for me so a huge thank you and a virtual hug coming your way 🤗
      In terms of the ‘planning’, I like the way you think lady! 😊 xxx

      Liked by 2 people

  8. September 16, 2018 at 5:07 pm

    You turned a rotten day into a great post!
    I’m sorry but your friend should know you better and inviting someone else that you don’t like on a day out is borderline bullying. I’m telling you right now he’d be the recipient of one of my exlax chocolate cakes. That’d change his shitty outlook!

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 16, 2018 at 5:43 pm

      Oh that really made me chuckle 😆 thanks so much! He honestly has the very best of intentions and I think he believes that doing things like that will help me get over my fears but he doesn’t really know me as well as he thinks he does. 😊 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. September 17, 2018 at 5:01 pm

    “True friends are those who came into your life, saw the most negative part of you, but are not ready to leave you, no matter how contagious you are to them.”
    ― Michael Bassey Johnson


    Liked by 1 person

  10. September 18, 2018 at 3:53 am

    Tell Captain Positive to stop beating you up. You are allowed not to like what you don’t like and like what you do. I understand this battle as I am often too hard on myself too. Hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. September 18, 2018 at 6:45 am

    Haha good post !

    Liked by 1 person

  12. September 18, 2018 at 6:30 pm

    I like it

    Liked by 1 person

  13. September 26, 2018 at 9:11 am

    Great post

    Liked by 1 person

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