I just don’t seem to feel anymore, do you know what I mean? It’s not as though I don’t have feelings anymore; I can feel happy or sad or pissed off or whatever but there is nothing truly deep. After I lost my husband, over 4 years ago now (time which has seemed like eons and the blink of an eye), something that once resided in my very core just isn’t there anymore…..
I have nothing to complain about; I have a great life, I have wonderful friends and a loving family but there is something missing. Even as I’m writing this I’m thinking ‘stop! you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you have so many things to be grateful for, buck your ideas up!’ As that thought leaves me, another one arrives ‘why are you writing this on a public forum? People don’t want to listen to you whinging on, type something positive for God’s sake!’ Now I want to cry…..
I want to break down and cry for the part of me that I lost when the only man I ever really loved left me but I’ve done that, so, so many times and, quite frankly it’s exhausting and futile and it will change nothing. I know that I must live in the moment and appreciate every second of my life because it’s a wonderful gift, a one time special offer from the big man upstairs that could be taken away before I’ve even finished writing this BUT. Why is there always a but? I’ve spent the last 15 odd years training my mind to think positively, to find beauty or, at the very least a lesson, in every single experience I’ve had but I honestly wonder if all I have done is to fashion a well-fitting and highly realistic mask……..
Before my life changed so dramatically (oh bloody hell, now I sound like a complete drama queen) I used to laugh. Something would just strike me as absolutely hysterical and I simply wouldn’t be able to stop; do you know what I mean? The kind of laugh that is loud, then silent, before it starts again and you end up sounding like Mutley because you can’t breathe properly. Your eyes start watering and you go all red in the face, your stomach hurts and you can’t move. Yes? Well that just doesn’t happen any more; I laugh but nothing seems funny enough to make me laugh like that…….
I like to go out. I go out more now than I did when my husband was still alive and, invariably I enjoy myself but I don’t need to be with people. If someone cancels at the last minute it’s a bit disappointing but I just find something else to do. There is no-one in my life that I couldn’t live without simply because I am living my life without the one person that I can bear to be without…….
I miss being loved. I know my family and my friends love me and I love them too but not in the same way. I miss being held close, in the dark, giggling, being whispered to, making love, feeling desired, feeling beautiful, feeling sexy and special and 100 other things. I miss my husband, so much…..
I’m so sorry for this self-indulgent post but you’re the only people I can really talk to about all this because you don’t know me and you’re not here in front of me seeing me cry. Also because I know that the people close to me in real life are probably sick to death of me banging on about how empty I feel when one of these days comes along so I try not to anymore and just keep to myself until it passes….which it does….every time.
I’ll blame this moment of weakness on the fact that I’m really tired. One of the huge boats moored up outside my apartment had a massive party complete with heavy base music; it didn’t keep me awake last night but it did rouse me shortly before 05.30 this morning…
If you’re wondering why a party on a boat would wake me up – I live close to Monaco and it’s the Grand Prix this weekend so there are huge parties everywhere. There, you see, what have I got to moan about? I live in the bloody South of France for Christ’s sake – how lucky can you get!!???
The me before would have been really excited about that. As it is, now, I’ll smile and count my blessings and hope that, one day, I’ll get my mojo back and, whatever died inside me, will somehow be resurrected…